Seven minutes to landing. We won’t know for another seven minutes says the guy from NASA.
Me. I’m not from NASA. I’m blogging from inside the command module.
Things are a bit different from me. I’ve been watching my journey by using WiFi to connect to the hot spot left on the moon from a previous mission and I’ve got NASA’s web site pulled up on my browser and am enjoying the show.
So NASA is gonna lose contact. So what.
Seven minutes to go and I put the laptop into hibernate mode so I can save the batteries. May come in handy. You never know.
So I re-orientate myself to enjoy the drift onto the planet surface.
I’ve got the futon pulled out and am relaxed onto it.
I pull out a box of Ding Dong’s and a half gallon of Pepsi and prepare to enjoy the ride.
A light goes off. Damn. I knew it.
I look around at the fancy knobs and such. All labeled in Chinese.
You’d think this bucket of bolts was made in America. But it wasn’t. It was outsourced to the Canadian’s who bought all of the parts on the black market. And they was labeled in Chinese. Go Figure.
So Yea, what else is new, I’m looking at the pretty lights flashing and trying to read the Chinese so I can see what it’s saying.
I think about picking up the laptop and going to Google Translate so I can get a leg up on what’s going on but something tells me that I really, really don’t want to know after all.
So I do what anyone would do.
I go over to that little thing on the wall, and I, break the glass.
Oops. That little thing on the wall actually doesn’t have in case of emergency break glass written on it. In Chinese or any other language.
It’s actually a window. My Bad.
So what the heck. I stick my head out the window to see what’s going on.
One of the cables from that top hat doohickey thingamabob has gotten tangled up and it’s coming in crocked. Much like this story.
So I did what I had to do. There’s a reason I won the gold medal in the Olympics and I’m about to tell you why.
So I grab my pistolrifleshotgun and I load it up with 30 odd buckshot shells that only I can use and blast away.
Sure it only took one shot. But that’s because I’m me and not you.
If it was you – you’d still be trying to figure out what 30 odd buckshot really is which is a luxury of time that I simply did not have. So if you would have been there the mission would have been a complete waste of ten years of everyone’s time. That’s why I had to go on the mission while saps like you just read about it in the paper.
So there I was. Looking out the window and the top hat doohickey thingamabob was finally free to fly away like it was supposed to. And that’s what it did.
I checked the air speed indicator and we was coming in hot. Probably because the wires had gotten tangled. No not the wires for this stupid story but the cables that held the top hat doohickey thingamabob to the command module which is where I was.
So coming in hot and all and not having much time to do anything about it I did the only thing I could do.
I grabbed the futon and jumped.
And on the way to the surface of Mars I managed to get the futon between myself and the red that was hurtling up at me at great speeds.
And the futon did hit the surface and me next.
Then I did my famous dismount that I used in the Olympics to win the gold for the pummel horse and I stuck the landing.
Then I gauged about where the futon was in direct correlation with the command module and then I kicked the futon so it was in perfecto position.
And then the command module did come to rest on top of the futon and was therefore unscathed.
At least that’s how i remember it and all.